3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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