arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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