well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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