I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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