1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
