I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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