i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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