I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
