Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Ladies don't puke and tell
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
