if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
