I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
