I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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