He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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