he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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