Im at strip club and am horny
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
