dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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