My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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