I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize