Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Did I show you my penis last night?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
