Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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