alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize