You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
