Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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