I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
