here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
