Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
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