just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
