I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
