she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
