Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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