my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
