She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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