i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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