"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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