Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
