he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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