Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
