How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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