the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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