I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
