i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize
