If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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