hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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