3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
