My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
