im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
