You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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