Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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