it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
