when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize