I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
