This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
