the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
