I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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