this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
