Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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