new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
